Shape of a Mother

Its been a while since I posted something so it is due. Just want to share a little something that happened to me today. I was on my way to the moms group playdate at a mall playground and was in the elevator when a man and his wife hopped on as well. The guy was talking to the kids about Santa Claus and was saying how cute they are when he asked me how much longer did I have on # 3. I politely told him that I was not pregnant and that this was left over from those two. He then continue to say, instead of just shutting up, that good, 2 is enough anyhow. Really? Wow. The nerve of some people. But truth be told this is a well earned body from 3 babies. So this is where my story really begins. I moved to Charleston, WV in February of '05 and by April I was pregnant with Matthew's and I first child. I was ecstatic and scared shitless at the same time. We both were working in a restaurant doing management stuff  and neither one of us knew what we were going to do but we had each other and that is all that we needed. My pregnancy was a shock to many, as a matter of fact the first time I met his mother we told her I was pregnant. Talk about first impressions. We were due January 26th, my mother in laws birthday. Everything with my pregnancy was going great and I was gaining weight pretty good, probably more then I should, but the baby was healthy and striving! This is our first ultrasound. June 20th 2005.

Just a squirming away. I had a nice little bump and feeling good. On July 27th I had some bleeding and went to the ER. After 5 nurses trying to find the heartbeat they FINALLY did an ultrasound. With an intern in the room we were given the news that there was no heartbeat. The baby has died. They sent me home. Later that night, I bled and bled and bled. We went back to the ER and from there things were a blur. I remember that I had no color and my BP was extremely low. I lost a lot of blood and had to be sent for a emergency DNC. This was the worst day of my life. I remember asking the nurse after I woke up what was the baby,a boy or a girl. She told me a boy. I don't know if she lied to make me feel better but to this day, he is still remembered as Crash Kimble to me. Matthew and I use to joke that is what we were going to name him if he was a boy. They put me on the DEPO shot before I was able to leave the hospital, and since I was too drugged up Matthew had to sign the forms. It was something about their policy that I had to be on some method of BC before discharge. Bullshit. I gained 50 pounds between the depression and the shot. I am 1 in 4 and I still celebrate his birth/ due date and I mourn July 27th as if I wish it never happened. Life has a fucked up way of happening. Everyone would say "oh it happened for a reason, or it was Gods plan" Bullshit, they never lost a baby. He would of been 5 the 26th. To have something make such an impact on your life in such a short period of time amazes me. My son, my angel. I still think of you and I know you are watching over your little sister and brother. I will meet you one day.

Fast forward a few years, married and in Texas. Sept 06 2007, a big fat positive! We have been trying hard core for the longest time to get pregnant and that day finally came! A huge flood of emotions that would scare anyone out of trying again but it is soooo well worth it. Through the heartache, pain and loss we were going again. By the end of my pregnancy I was 5 1/2 feet around and measuring 45 weeks. I had a road map of stretch marks and even though I took pics of my belly with clothes on, I wish I had some of my belly and all its deep red stretch mark glory.

That was on my official due date and still no baby. Yes, I was miserable. Its flippin hot in Texas late May. I went in for my visit on the 30th and my OB set me up to be induced that night due to the size of the baby. My little girl, Victoria was born healthy at 3:30pm May 31st 2008 after 45 minutes of pushing and laughing while pushing. She had the cord wrapped around her neck twice and Dr. Adkins had to cut it in order for me to push her out. She didn't cry when they laid her on my chest, but she was staring at me with those big blue eyes and my world spinned so hard that it was better then any drug ever! My baby. Mine. Here in my arms and healthy. God, thank you. I couldn't ask for more. That year flew by. I lost the weight but I had a hard time dealing with my body. The 3 inches of extra skin on my tummy, the deep gouges of stretch marks, the separated ab muscles that will never see flatness again and then I found this site that a friend of mine pointed me to. The Shape of a Mother. This helped me so much, knowing that there were in fact others out there like me. That had the marks, the so called flaws as I saw them then. Now I see each and everyone of them as honor badges. I carried a 9 lb 9.9oz baby and I EARNED every single one of those bad boys. You will never catch me in a bikini but that is ok... I never wore them anyhow! Even after giving birth to Louden, I gained the weight but lost it within a month, just like Victoria. Thank you Breastfeeding goodness, I have a bare belly pic with Louden but I am saving that one for his birthday post!  I am happy with how my body looks. There is always room for improvement and it will happen but right now I am content being a size 11 jeans and 168 pounds. So Mister, that can't keep your rude comments to yourself, I have two beautiful babies and I am one proud momma and if you don't like my body, well I never asked you to look in the first place.